Quote of the Day, “Journalists just don’t get it” edition

December 27, 2011

Iowahawk on the Solyndra debacle and The Washington Post‘s ideological blinders:

Look, I have nothing against Linda Sterio, any more than I have anything against a waitress unwittingly employed by an Al Capone speakeasy. I wish her well in obtaining employment. But let’s be clear: the scandal is not that she lost her job at Solyndra, it’s that she ever had a job at Solyndra. And that she, and countless others, were deprived jobs at legitimate businesses because government sucked $500 million out capital markets to endorse and underwrite the “clean-energy” hustles of its favorite check-writing eco-crooks.

The price of newsprint being what it is, I suppose it might be too much to ask the WaPo to run photos of the real victims of this scam, the 100 million or so American taxpayers who were left to pick up the tab. Unlike Ms. Sterio we never got a paycheck out of it, only a $5 invoice. But would it kill the Post’s editors to occasionally re-examine its J-school narratives and acknowledge sometimes failure is not the result of Government Not Doing Enough?

And if you haven’t bookmarked Iowahawk, you should. When he’s being serious, he’s good. When he’s being satirical, he’s good and funny.

(Crossposted at Sister Toldjah)


How to live on $10 billion a day

April 1, 2011

A couple of weeks ago, the infamous Iowahawk penned an essay about how Americans should stop whining about our $3.7 trillion nation budget and showed how we could live on just $10 billion a day. Like everything the Sage of Ottumwa writes, it was hilarious satire.

Not to be left out of the fun, Bill Whittle has provided us this video version. Enjoy:

Happy Friday!

(Crossposted at Sister Toldjah)


Iowahawk for Supreme Court

April 12, 2010

A campaign video for a SCOTUS seat? Why the heck not?

Forget Kagan or Liu. Forget Sunstein or Tribe or Clinton or the rest of those radicals. Iowahawk is the only one for the job who’s truly rad.


The Afghanistan speech Obama wanted to give

December 4, 2009

Iowahawk finds the first draft:

I Am Proud to Lead You Men to the Nearest Off-Ramp

general minivan

Brigadier General Barack H. Obama
Supreme Allied Commander-in-Chief, Operation Minivan Pool

At ease, men.

As your battalion commanders and General Axelrod have already briefed you, you embark today on an important mission to the Af-Pak Theater. The success of this mission will not only insure the future of democracy and human civilization, but also my Gallup net favorable index. I have every confidence that you will succeed in this great educational field trip, because you represent the finest right-sized, nonviolent time killing force ever assembled.

Arrayed behind me are the mighty Minivans of Democracy that you will soon be loading. These are America’s great 5-star crash rating arsenal of multilateral understanding. And as your supreme commander-in-chief, it is my great honor, privilege, and turn to serve as your pool driver, because Michelle has her Pilates class this afternoon. Now, as our rendezvous with destiny approaches, let me say that I am every bit as proud of you fine young soldiers and Marines as I am when I take Malia and Sasha to gymnastics. Okay, let’s all pair up with a buddy and line up double file for the vans.

Read the rest if, like me, you’re in need of a good laugh these days.  Rolling on the floor


Iowahawk Geographic: The Secret Life of Climate Researchers

November 24, 2009

I used to love Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, and I’m glad to see Iowahawk continuing the tradition of documenting wildlife in its natural state. In this episode, he looks at The Secret Life of Climate Researchers:

Within minutes of arriving on campus, the migratory researchers approach the entrance of the Climate Research Unit and perform the secret credential dance, fiercely displaying their prominent curriculum vitae. This signals to the security drone that they can be trusted with the sacred electronic lanyard badge that will grant them entrance to the hive’s inner sanctum.

During the upcoming research season, this hive alone will produce over 6 million metric tons of grant-sustaining climate data guano, but until recently little was known about the elusive genus of homo scientifica living inside. Where do they come from? What strange force draws them here year after year? In order to unravel the mystery, Iowahawk Geographic documentary filmmaker David Burge undertook a painstaking one-week project to finally capture the climate researchers in their native habitat.

In this exclusive footage, Burge warily approaches the hive’s security drone, disguising himself as smelly graduate student. Burge has theorized that as a member of the lowest stratum in the hive’s social system, the drone likely enjoys partying. He reaches into his backpack and offers the drone a pint of Guinness and a small bag of weed in exchange for the hive’s internal security tapes and email files. Success.

The never-before seen security tapes obtained by Burge provide a rare glimpse into the inner working of the climate research hive and its amazing guano production. In this sequence, we see one group of researchers entering the hive each carrying a datum they have retrieved from a distant climate measuring station. This is the cause of much excitement among their colleagues, who buzz around in a grant-writing frenzy.

Read and enjoy the whole thing.  Rolling on the floor

RELATED READING: Background on the scandal some are calling (predictably) ClimateGate here and here.


(Satire) Wait, wasn’t this above his paygrade?

August 22, 2009

A press release from the Czar of Czars:

WASHINGTON (Iowahawk Business PR Wire) — U.S. Government CEO Barack Obama announced today that his firm had embarked on a new joint venture with metaphysical industrial giant God, saying that “We are God’s partners in matters of life and death.”

“This partnership is a natural,” said Obama. “We both are unfathomably large, we both control people’s lives, we both work in mysterious ways, we both have a fanatical customer base. Instead of competing, it just made basic business sense to work together to become the premier developer of mission critical life-and-death operating systems.”

The announcement came before the annual GodCon trade show in Las Vegas, where Obama gave a product demo of the iGod heath care rationing device, the first of what he said would be “many development projects” between US Government and God. He encouraged independent God developers to support the closed-source iGod / iGov health care platform, warning that “woe be unto the unlicensed app developer, for he shall be smote by a vengeful hail of ACORNs.”

Other iGod apps currently in beta test include an end-of-life calculator, income leveler, and a wireless database detector for anti-government heretics and apostates.

Read the whole thing, citizen.  Rolling on the floor Tongue


A field guide to townhall agitators and extremists

August 6, 2009

Following up on her tour de force about legitimate questions lies and disinformation posed by concerned citizens exercising their first amendment rights insurance-company stooges and Nazis:

Former ABC Obamaton reporter Linda Douglas pens a guest editorial for Iowahawk to expand on her video and provides a field guide to Town Hall Mob Agitators:

Know Your Town Hall Mob Agitators!

By Linda Douglass
Deputy Assistant Under-Minister of Truth
White House Health Care Task Force

Greetings citizen! By now you may have heard scattered rumors of state and party officials encountering reactionary resistors at local health care reform information programs. Do not be alarmed, for our 5-year plan for citizen health proceeds without delay. Remain stalwart! The truth can be told at last, that these so-called “protests” are merely the desperate rear flank mob actions of dead-end bandits and saboteurs in the pay of enemy insurance agents.

Pay them no heed, for these outside agitators in no way represent any threat to our great patriotic push forward for increased citizen heathfulness! These well-dressed prep school gangsters of reaction seek only to frighten and demoralize and intimidate you, with their confusing “facts” and hob-nailed Sperry Topsiders. Unfortunately they are joined in conspiracy by a well-financed network of unlicensed blogs and talk radio traitors, who exaggerate their numbers and percolate disinformation — even cleverly staged YouTube videos of an impostor President Obama saying “quotes”!

Remain strong, citizen, for the day of their comeuppance is near! Patriotic spontaneous volunteers from MoveOn.org, Organizing For America, HCAN, SEIU, AFSCME, ACORN, NPR, and MSNBC have all pledged independent grassroots efforts to spread the word about the health-hating tricksters and their transparent astroturf agitation campaign!

You too can help by remaining ever-vigilant for health traitors in your local sectors. But beware: though small in number the state health reform enemy is clever, and well trained in subterfuge and disguise by his monopolist paymasters. Your job is to recognize his signs, and report any fishy-seeming protest or blog activities to me or other official authorities within the Health Care Truth Ministry. Here is a visual training course to help you in the execution of this important patriotic duty.

Study and learn, and report all wrong-thinkers, such as me and Tito… (‘ey! I just do the videos around here! -Tito Don’t try and deny it, you agitator.) …to flag@whitehouse.gov, home of the new White House enemies list.

Carry on, Citizen. Courage.  Chicken


If the job is too tough, then quit

August 4, 2009

Now we have another congressman whining about actually having to read bills before voting on them. First it was Representative John “You gotta be kidding” Conyers, and now it’s New Hampshire Democrat Paul Hodes telling the editorial board of the Nashua Telegraph to get real:

Democratic Rep. Paul Hodes (NH-02) believes reading every bill in Congress “would slow down the business of Congress to a crawl and it would be hard to get done what needs to be done.”

Members of Congress who don’t read the bills they are voting on “is not necessarily the major problem with the way Congress functions,” he said.

Hodes, who is the sole Democratic candidate in the race to replace the retiring New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg, made the remarks during a recent editorial board meeting with the Nashua Telegraph.

“Hodes said it’s not realistic to expect members of Congress to read every bill word-for-word, as Congress took more than 2,000 votes in the session that ended in December,” the paper reports.

This year, Hodes voted in support of President Barack Obama’s stimulus package and for so-called cap-and-trade legislation. Both measures were finalized late in the legislative process and rushed to a vote before any individual member could read the bills.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve got this whole representative democracy thing wrong. Am I silly to think someone I choose to run the government for me should actually understand the choices he makes, rather than push the voting buttons at random? By Mr. Hodes’ logic, why even show up at committee hearings to ask questions and hear witnesses? That’s got to be awfully hard, too, on the poor, overworked congresscritters.

Look, I don’t expect them to read every single bill that comes before the chamber, but on matters as consequential as a $787 billion “emergency” stimulus  bill, or health-care reforms and cap-and-trade measures that aim to establish federal control over vast swathes of the economy… You’re damn right I expect Hodes & Co. to read and understand the bills, or recuse themselves from voting on it!

And maybe they should resign, too, if that’s too much to ask of them.  Waiting

(via Hot Air)

On a related note, Iowahawk again turns over his blog to a guest-editorial, this time from Health and Human Services Secretary Secretary Kathleen Sibelius and Democratic Republican Democratic Senator Arlen Specter on a growing crisis in America – that America’s Government Losing Faith in Out-of-Touch Constituents:

Nowhere has this disturbing trend been more evident than in the recent debate over health care reform. Like hundreds of our fellow legislators and government officials, we recently traveled to a town hall meeting to distribute a grassroots press release explaining why this critical legislation is a done deal. Our advance staffs said that should anticipate a respectful, positive hearing from local media and bused-in union members. Instead we were greeted by a rude howling mob of idiot “voters” who refused to listen to reason, and ruined what should have been a killer photo op for our re-election ad campaign.

Have these arrogant ivory tower armchair quarterbacks ever had to live with the pressures of being a working stiff Senator or Cabinet Secretary in Washington DC? Have they ever had to juggle markup language on a supplemental appropriations bill, or deal with an incompetent Chief of Staff who constantly double-books fund raising dinners? Apparently not, if their whiny obnoxious chants are any indication. “Read the Bill! Read the Bill!” blah, blah, blah, as if we weren’t already exhausted from writing and voting for the damned thing.

Mockery. It’s what makes American politics great. Hee hee


Cambridge Police Profiling Still A Grim Reality for Harvard Faculty Assholes

July 27, 2009

Iowahawk once again turns over his pulpit to a wronged American who wants to share his pain with the people, the pain and humiliation he experiences everyday as an Asshole at Harvard:

When I first learned of the arrest of my colleague Professor Henry Louis “Skip” Gates after he stood up to the fascist jackboots of a declasse, ill-educated Cambridge police officer, I was of course angered — but scarcely shocked. L’Affaire Gates simply aired, in public, the dirty 100-thread-count table linen of an American culture where Harvard faculty assholes still face a daily struggle against profiling, abuse, and insolence.

It will come as no surprise that Skip’s arrest was the talk of the Douchebag Room at the Harvard Faculty Club last Friday. I and a group of colleagues had assembled for our weekly lunch; I opted for their competently-prepared Ahi Tuna Tartare and an amusing glass of ’05 Hospices de Beaune Premier Cru Cuvee Cyrot-Chaudron. I had noticed that the Franz Fanon Memorial Booth — Skip’s long-reserved lunch spot — was uncharacteristically empty, and asked our waiter Sergio for an explanation.

“Professor Skeep, he no is come today,” said Sergio. “I tink he is in the jail.”

Our table exchanged knowing glances, for we knew immediately that Skip was only the latest victim of a system that singles out the Harvard faculty asshole for stigmatization and unequal justice. It is a system that all of us knew too well, and provided an opportunity for an open conversation about our shared experiences as Harvard faculty assholes in America while waiting for Sergio to bring the dessert cart.

Read the whole thing. It’s a sad, tragic tale, and one can only hope this great nation will unite to fight for the rights of academic assholes everywhere.

Rolling on the floor


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